I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
