I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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