Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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