At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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