just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
