dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
