Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
