so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
