Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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