just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
