How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
