i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
