Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
