final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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