I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I think people are normalizing furries
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
