alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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