I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
