i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
