Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
