I skipped work to stalk him.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
