She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Randomize
