then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
