I threw up into my coffee this morning.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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