I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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