I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
