I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize