were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
