I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
