i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
