dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
