I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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