Threesome in a minivan. New low
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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