I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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