Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
