And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
