fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
