matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
