So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
