Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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