I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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