i jhust puked up my retainher.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
