Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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