I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
