The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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