My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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