clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
