my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
