That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I still have a little drunk in my system
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
