Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
