your parents love me but you hate me
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
