My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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