It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize