my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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