What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
