if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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